


One Month

by Snovi



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Bucket List, Eventual Smut, First Kiss, Ill tag that when we get to it, Im not sure if anyone is actually gonna die yet or not, Ive not written in a while so excuse me if im rusty, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Well see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-05 21:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11022243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snovi/pseuds/Snovi
Summary: Connor makes himself a bucket list, and plans to get everything on it checked off in a month.The first thing on his list is to talk to Evan Hansen.Turns out Connor and Evan both want to die so they help each other check off everything on their bucket lists before they kick it.





	1. Start of the List

The one problem with dying young is that you miss out on a lot of opportunities. On one hand, you get to escape the harsh cruelty of the world, you never have to deal with dying slowly over the course of 100 years or however old you grow. On the downside, you lose the chance to have your first kiss, your first time, your first job, the chance to graduate, to have kids, get married… Many chances are lost. 

But some of those can be done in what, a month? It would be sad to die without ever kissing someone, after all. 

So with all this in mind, Connor found himself at his desk, a piece of paper in front of him and a pen in his hand. So far the paper had two words on it, the words underlined for emphasis.

**BUCKET LIST**

He hadn't written anything yet. He had to choose carefully, he wanted it to be things he could do in a month or less. 

Every day seemed to get worse and worse, and he didn't know how much more of it he could handle. In all honestly, he had wanted to die after his first day of senior year. 

Kleinman’s jeers towards him, his awkward confrontation with Hansen, finding out that Hansen wrote a creepy letter about his sister just to make him freak out… Connor sighed and sat back in his chair, staring at the mostly blank paper again. Then he thought to the folded up letter in his pocket… He never did read the whole thing. He wasn't sure he wanted to. He'd seen enough, he didn't want to read a whole letter about how much that Hansen kid wanted to fuck his sister. 

But curiosity got the best of him, and he found himself taking the paper out of his pocket and he unfolded it carefully, preparing himself for the worst as he started to read.

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,   
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? _

That's… Kind of relatable. Cynical, but relatable nonetheless.

_  
I know, because there’s Zoe, _

Connor cringed at this part, but forced himself to keep reading.

_and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._  
_I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_  
_Sincerely,_  
_Your most best, and dearest friend, Me_

Connor’s mind felt blank as he finished reading. Evan never really came off as the sort of person who would think this way. Sure the kid was awkward as hell and would rather cry in the bathroom than speak at the front of class, but the way he thought in this letter was… Too familiar. 

Connor realized he felt bad about shoving him, about snapping at him… Connor didn't feel guilty often, but he was starting to wonder if he had fucked up his one chance at friendship. A friendship with someone who understood him, or at least could pretend to. Connor picked up his pen again, knowing what he wanted the first thing on his list to be, now.

  
**Talk to Evan Hansen.**


	2. And the day begins...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is very fun to write, I'm finding
> 
> Also Connor fucks up

** BUCKET LIST **

**talk to Evan Hansen**

**kiss someone**

**have sex with someone**

**talk to Zoe**

**visit the old orchard**

 

Connor had written a few more things on his list by the time day two of his senior year came around. He was pretty happy with it, all of the things on his list were reasonable and doable. Except maybe the kiss and getting laid part. He could always just pay someone if he was desperate enough to find someone to help him check those two things off his list. And getting in trouble for fucking in the school bathrooms (if it came to it) wasn't a huge deal to him, he would be dead soon anyway. After all, what was a little detention to a dead kid? 

Connor folded up the piece of paper and slid it into his pocket, grabbing his messenger bag from the foot of his bed and carried it downstairs. His father and sister sat at the table while his mother flitted around the kitchen, preparing breakfast. This morning appeared just like any other, but Connor didn't feel as snappy today. Something about knowing he was going to die soon made him a little less high strung. 

Zoe noticed the change immediately as he sat down at the kitchen table, her eyebrows going up in question.

“You look different. Did you do your hair differently today or something?” She asked, her voice flat. Connor frowned.

“No…?”

“Oh, never mind I see what's different. Your eyes aren't bloodshot for once.” She snapped, earning a glare from her mother. She didn't seem to notice, or care. “When was the last time you came to breakfast sober, Connor?” She went on, rolling her eyes when Connor sighed dramatically, leaning back in his chair.

“God, I just can't win can I? I come down high, I get yelled at, I come down sober, I still get fuckin’ yelled at.” He grumbled, his somewhat okay mood he started out with gone in an instant. Cynthia came up behind him and laid a hand on Connor’s shoulder, though when he flinched uncomfortably she pulled away. 

“I'm happy you aren't high today, I hate when you go to school high. I'm surprised no teachers noticed yesterday and sent you home.” She sighed, shaking her head in disappointment.

“Yeah well, no one pays any attention to me at school, so no one notices if something is different.” He huffed bitterly, standing up from the table. He was tired of talking already. Conversing with his family was a lot less bearable without pot clouding his senses. He picked up his bag from the floor and slung it over his shoulder, heading for the door. 

“I'm leaving early, I'll just walk to school.” Connor announced, his hand on the door knob. No one said anything in response, so he sighed and opened the door, walking out into the warm August air. He almost wished he didn't wear black, the hot summer weather plus layers of black was not a good mix. But he would rather be uncomfortable in an outfit that would help him blend in, as opposed to being comfortable but wearing colorful clothes that made him stick out. Connor didn't even know if he still owned anything with color. His thoughts were muddled and random for most of his walk, unable to focus on just one topic. 

He pulled his list from his pocket, trying to calm his spinning mind. His eyes rested on the first item on his list, ‘Talk to Evan Hansen’. Well, that certainly was something to think about. Connor felt it necessary to plan ahead a bit for this one. 

Evan and him didn't start out on good terms, the boy probably hated him, or at least was afraid of him… The kid was already a nervous wreck, and Connor had mentally prepared himself for Evan to start crying the second he tried to approach him today. He had mulled over countless ways to start out talking to the kid, all of them ending in disaster in his head. No matter what he did, something went wrong every time. At least he was used to it. 

Connor tucked his hands in his pockets with a heavy sigh, his fingers brushing against the other folded up paper in his pocket. Evan’s letter… He should really give that back. Could that be the icebreaker, maybe? Just the thought of apologizing to Evan’s face made Connor’s stomach churn. Plus, he wasn't sure he wanted Evan to know that the main reason he was returning the letter was because he had read the whole thing and now knew how broken Evan was. 

His thoughts continued to spiral in his head even as he walked through the doors of the school, taking a moment to look around. There was hardly anybody here yet; since he had left the house early, he had gotten to school early… Meaning he might have time to put the letter in Evan’s locker or something to avoid confrontation. Just until he could think up a foolproof way to start a conversation, of course. 

He was walking through the same hallway he shoved the Hansen boy just yesterday when he realized he had no fucking idea where Evan’s locker even was. Looking down the row of identical lockers, Connor considered just shoving the letter in one and running but an obnoxious voice interrupted his thoughts before he could do anything.

“Attending school two days in a row, huh? That's gotta be like, a new record for you, right?” The nasally voice of Jared fucking Kleinman grated on Connor’s nerves, the taller boy turning his head slowly to glare at Jared. “With the glaring, again? If you're going to come to school in a shit mood why come at all?” Jared still had that cocky smirk on his face, though he had a hint of genuine confusion in his voice.

“I have to give someone something. Trust me, I want to be here about as much as you want me to be here.” Connor said flatly, turning back away from him and continuing to look at the lockers, hoping for some sign of which one was Evan's. He groaned audibly when he heard footsteps following behind him.

“You lookin’ for something? You're looking at those lockers awfully closely… You didn't like, hide a bomb in one of em did you?” Jared joked, making Connor stop in his tracks, and in turn making Jared almost bump into his back. Connor turned around to face him, easily towering over him. He had a good 5 inches on Kleinman, so towering over him wasn't hard.

“Would you just leave me alone? I'm just looking for Hansen’s locker, there's no fucking bomb!” He spat, making Jared flinch.

“Evan Hansen? Why would you want his locker…?” Jared asked suspiciously. Connor didn't have time for this bullshit. He went to turn away again, but Jared kept talking. “This is his locker, right here.” He said, making Connor stop and look at the locker Jared had pointed to. Connor had walked past it so he briskly backtracked, jamming the folded up letter into one of the slots.

“What was that, a love letter?” Jared snorted, making Connor glare at him again. 

“No. Its none of your fucking business, fuck off.” Connor was so done hearing this little shit’s voice. He turned away from Jared and collided with another student, making the other kid hit the floor with a thud. Jared gasped dramatically.

“Holy shit Connor, you shoved him not once, but TWICE? God, you are such an asshole.” Jared shook his head, that smirk never leaving his face. He turned around and went on his way, to first period presumably. 

A pained groan from the floor snapped Connor’s attention back to the kid he ran into. Oh, that explains why Jared said that. Evan Hansen, the kid he wanted to talk to today, and he just fucking shoved him again. What a great start. Connor didn't offer a hand to help him up, but he did mutter a soft “sorry”. Evan hauled himself off the dirty school floor and dusted off his pants, holding his casted arm close to his chest.

“No it's okay, I wasn't watching where I was going.” He said immediately, staring at the ground. Connor didn't know how to respond to that, so he too started a staring contest with the floor. Finally after about 15 seconds of silence, Evan spoke up.

“Um, can you… Can you m-move a little? You're kind of, right in front of my locker…” He said quickly, looking embarrassed to say anything. Connor quickly stepped back out of the way, letting Evan get to his locker. Mumbling a thank you, Evan unlocked his locker slowly, feeling pressured that Connor was still just standing there.

“D...do you need something?” He asked, frowning. Connor snapped out of his daze, shaking his head.

“No, nothing… I put your letter in your locker. The letter I took from you yesterday.” He clarified, shrugging. Evan blinked in surprise, clearly he hasn't thought he would ever get that letter back. He opened his locker and noticed the paper right away, as it was still stuck in the slots of the locker. He took the paper and nodded, smiling. 

“Thank you. I appreciate it. What changed your mind…?” Evan began, but the warning bell rang, cutting him off. Connor swallowed thickly, turning away. Evan had gotten his letter back, he did what he came to do. Though he didn't talk to Evan as much as he would have liked… It was a start? 

Connor sighed and got to his first class, sitting in the seat as far away from the teacher's desk as he could get. He pulled the paper with his bucket list on it out of his pocket, ready to cross off “talk to Evan”, but he froze immediately. He fucking shoved the wrong paper in Evan’s locker. For fuck’s sake. Now he had to talk to Evan again, AND Evan knew he was a nutjob who wrote out his bucket list at only 17 years old. 

He slumped in his seat, hitting his head hard against the wall behind him. He wished he'd stayed home today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me so long to write and its not even that many words ajfjfk


	3. Talk to Evan Hansen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get their talk on

Connor made sure to avoid Evan at all costs during the day, not wanting to have a conversation about why he was writing a fucking bucket list as a senior in highschool. So he spent the entire day stressing, not taking in a single bit of information from any of his classes. That wasn't new necessarily, but he couldn't even sleep in class like he usually did. He was too high strung and stressed out about this whole thing, thinking about too many ‘what if?’ scenarios. 

What if Evan Hansen showed his list to the principal and he got sent to a mental hospital?

What if his parents find out and he has to face another night of his mom crying, his sister looking at him like she wished he would die already, and his father looking at him like he was a disappointment?

What if Evan Hansen shows the whole school the list and everyone will know then how much he wants to fucking kill himself?

Well. The last one wouldn't be that bad. If kids knew they would just start teasing him more, which would just make him want to die more. And that was the end goal, right?

All of these thoughts flew through Connor’s head all at once as he stood awkwardly by Evan’s locker after school. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a meek cough.

“Connor… I've been looking for you all day.” Evan greeted him, staring at the floor. “I, uh… Couldn't help but notice, this isn't my letter? It- It seemed personal, so I thought I should probably… Get it back to you.” He pulled the folded paper from his pocket and held it out to Connor at arms length. Connor quickly grabbed it and handed Evan his letter back, this time sure it was actually his letter.

“Th-thanks… Sorry about the mix up, at least you've got your letter now, uh… I'm gonna head home.” Connor said abruptly, turning to leave. 

“Wait!” Evan’s voice made him stop and glance over his shoulder. The shorter boy looked just as surprised as Connor felt in response to his little outburst, but he recovered pretty quickly. “I'm sorry if its too personal to ask, you can just say no if you don't want to answer its fine, its just about… About the note you accidentally gave me?” Evan’s voice got quieter near the end of his sentence. Connor grimaced. He was hoping he wouldn't have to have this discussion…

“Why were you even reading my shit in the first place? It clearly wasn't your business, you should have stopped reading the moment you realized it was the wrong paper!” Connor snapped, wanting nothing more than to just go home right now. Evan flinched a little.

“I didn't mean to read it, I just… I saw that it said bucket list and… I got scared… I know we don't know each other well but, um… It was worrying.” Evan said softly. Connor scoffed.

“You're worried about me? You don't even know me.” He glared at Evan angrily, making the boy step back.

“I'd like to get to know you though!” Evan blurted out, making Connor stop. Evan cleared his throat awkwardly. “I, uh, I mean… You said you wanted to talk to me, on your list… We can talk, if you want. We can talk and then you can c-cross that off your list.” 

“...”

“And maybe if it goes well… I can convince you to maybe, you know, not do whatever you're planning yo do after everything gets crossed off?”

“Yup, there's the catch.” Connor said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “I knew there just had to be something. I highly doubt you can talk me out of anything, but fine, I'll humor you.” He grabbed Evan’s not casted hand and took a pen from his bag, scribbling his number on the back of Evan’s hand. “There. Text me your address later, I'll come over tonight. The sooner the better.” He put the pen back in his bag and turned on his heel, walking away without another word. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long and I'm sorry its short, I didn't really plan this story out ahead of time besides the main idea, so I'm kinda just winging it rn lol


	4. We're all in this Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys discuss some things at Evan's house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey wow I'm not dead :0 also I'm going to see DEH tomorrow and I'm very hype

The hours leading up to when Connor was expected to go to Evan’s house were the most stressful he has endured in a while. It was strange, usually he didn't care about his appearance and wouldn't take a second glance in a mirror before heading out. But here he was, staring intensely at himself in a slightly fogged up mirror. 

He had just gotten out of the shower, something he had neglected to take for the past week. But he refused to go to Evan’s house looking and smelling like shit, so a shower it was. He finally tore his gaze away from his reflection when he realized that glaring at himself wasn't going to make the bags under his eyes disappear, so he headed back to his room with a towel around his waist instead. 

He picked out a clean set of clothing, as opposed to the same black pants and shirt he wore too many times before it would finally get put in the wash. He pulled on some regular blue jeans that he hardly ever wore, and a black shirt because almost all the shirts he wore were black. He pulled on a gray hoodie and took one last glance at himself in the mirror before deeming his appearance ‘good enough’, checking his phone and reading over the address Evan had texted him once more.

He wondered to himself why Evan was so set on having him come over in the first place. Why he cared if he offed himself or not, why he cared to help him cross things off his list. 

“Zoe!” He yelled, deciding shouting for his sister was better than just going and looking for her. “I need a ride!” 

He heard an annoyed groan from the room next to his, and a shout back.

“How about you get off your lazy pot-smoking ass and get yourself a license and your own car!” She yelled back. Connor groaned, stomping out of his room and down the stairs. He grabbed Zoe’s car keys off the table, slamming the front door shut behind him. He remembered how one of the things on his list was to talk to Zoe. So much for that. He sighed, hopping into her car and starting the engine, pulling out of the driveway and speeding away before she could come out and tell on him to their parents that he had taken her car. Hopefully she wouldn't be needing it for a while. 

\-----

He pulled up to the house Evan had given him the address to, and honestly he didn't doubt for a second it was Hansen’s house. It was quaint and homey looking from the outside, not too different from Hansen himself. Connor parked his sister’s car and got out, smoothing out his clothing and walking to the door. He hesitated before knocking, standing in front of the door awkwardly. He had waited a good 30 seconds and was ready to either knock again or leave when the door suddenly opened, revealing a slightly red faced Evan Hansen. Connor frowned.

“Are you okay…?” He asked, making Evan even more embarrassed. “Yeah, I'm fine, I just, I was really nervous about you coming over so I tried to make the house look really nice and I don't know if its nice enough I tried really hard, I've been rushing around trying to make it perfect…” He bit his lip, stopping his rant. Connor sighed, pushing past him and entering the house. It was nothing specatular, but Connor found that he kind of liked it. This house had a personality it seemed, from the faded stains on the carpet and ceilings to the picture frames lining the walls. It was different from his own home, which had not a stain to be found and the only pictures of his family that were up were either from before Zoe had even started elementary school, or everyone in the picture just looked miserable. Evan’s voice shook him out of his thoughts. 

“So… Um… I…” He looked down at the floor, picking at his cast. Connor rolled his eyes. Quite the conversationalist. 

“Don't hurt yourself, Hansen… Look, before we even start… ‘Hanging out’...” He cringed. “I wanna know why the hell you wanted me to come over at all. I mean I know what you said, but it still didn't make any fucking sense…” He frowned, flopping down on Evan’s couch. Evan sat down on a chair near the couch, sitting on it sideways, like he was ready to run if need be. 

“Uh, I… I don't know, really? I mean, I was really worried when you said you were writing a bucket list, I mean you're so young you shouldn't have to worry about stuff like that so soon.” He mumbled. Connor narrowed his eyes.

“Why do you care, though?” He demanded, gritting his teeth. Evan shrugged lamely. 

“Just… No one deserves to be forgotten, you know? God, I… I don't know why I said that. I'm such a hypocrite.” Evan laughed bitterly, and I said nothing. I stared at him silently, waiting for him to go on. He took a breath. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry, this was a stupid idea, I…” he rubbed his face with his hands, groaning. “Connor, why did you write a bucket list? I won't tell anyone else-”

“I'm planning on killing myself in a month.” Connor deadpanned. Why hide the truth? Its not like Evan could actually stop him. Evan swallowed hard, nodding.

“R-Right. That's… I was hoping you wouldn't say that. But… God, I don't even know how to ask this.” He groaned, making Connor lose his patience.

“Would you just spit it out? If you aren't going to tell me what I'm doing here sitting on your couch instead of in my bed planning how I'm going to off myself, then-”

“Can you help me write one too?” Evan blurted out, successfully silencing the other boy.

“Write… A bucket list? Why?” Connor asked. Evan shrugged, staring down at his cast. 

“Um… B-Because, maybe if I have someone with me, I won't fail this time…? I'm sorry, I… I know this is your thing, and I shouldn't be invading your personal life, but… I feel like we have a lot in common? And… If I can't save you, I… I could always go down with you.” He finished, sniffling softly. Connor was speechless. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Him and Hansen? Having things in common??

“I just thought maybe, we could be friends too? Like friends, but also s-suicide… Suicide partners. I hate saying it like that… Um… Death helpers. No, that's worse… Whatever you get my point!” Evan went on, getting more flustered and misty eyed with every word. Connor groaned, waving his hand dismissively.

“Alright alright, enough… I get it. I'll help you write a damn bucket list, alright? Maybe it'll be easier to complete mine if I'm not alone, anyway. But… You have to have yours done by the end of the month too. I'm not making any extra time just because you suddenly flake out.” He said sternly. Evan nodded, sniffling again and staring numbly at the floor.

“Don't worry, I won't flake out.”


	5. Opening up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why do you wanna do it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> H,, hi  
> I might have a new beta also I'll give more updates on that later  
> This chapter is sub par and feels ooc but its something  
> I have to get back in the groove of writing

"Okay, so... What's the first thing you want to be on it, I guess." Connor mumbled, tapping a pencil against the table mindlessly. He wasn't good at talking to others, and he was even worse at helping others. Evan swallowed nervously, fiddling with his own pencil between his fingers.

"Um… Maybe… Uh…” He frowned, staring at the blank paper. Connor sighed, taking out his own, slightly crumpled list, sliding it over to Evan.

“Just look at mine if you need ideas, or whatever… I didn't know what I was doing when I wrote mine, either. Just write stuff you want to experience before you die. Its easy.” He shrugged.

“Right, easy… I guess I haven't had my first kiss yet, either… Though that's not really a very realistic goal, either…” Evan mumbled the last part under his breath, writing down ‘first kiss’ anyway. Connor caught the muttered words and rolled his eyes.

“And I look like I'm going to be able to convince someone to kiss me? Trust me Hansen, you've got way more of a chance to get a kiss than I do.” He sighed, tapping his pencil against Evan’s paper. “That can't be the only thing on your list. You can't seriously write just one thing. You don't want to fuck someone? Go skydiving? Rob a bank?” He threw his arms up dramatically, making Evan chuckle.

“N-No, especially not skydiving or robbing anything! And I'm not really interested in sex…? I guess it would suck to… die without knowing what all the fuss was about, but…” He wrote it down reluctantly, the paused, writing down ‘steal something’ right under it. Connor laughed softly.

“Wow, what a rebel… Okay, anything else?” He prompted, impatient to get started with checking things off his own list.

“Maybe… Watch the sunset from up in a tree? I've always wanted to do that… Don't laugh!” He frowned when he saw Connor try and fail to hide a smirk. He shook his head, waving his hand for Evan to continue. The blonde sighed, writing that down as well. He added on ‘tell mom the truth’ at the bottom, putting his pencil down. “There… I think that's it.” He said softly, reading it over.

**BUCKET LIST**

**-first kiss**

**-sex**

**-steal something**

**-watch sunset from up high**

**-tell mom the truth**

He nodded, satisfied enough with it for now. Connor took back his own list, folding it back up and slipping it back into his pocket.

“So now that's over and done with… I want to officially cross talk to you off my list. And ask why the hell you want to die.” He said bluntly, crossing his arms on the table and staring at Evan intently. The other boy shrunk a bit under his gaze.

“Just… Uh… You know, feeling lonely and like nothing is worth it…” He answered vaguely. “I don't like talking about it…” Connor sighed softly, looking down at the table.

“Yeah, I get that… But if we’re going to do like, a suicide pact thing, I want to know who I'm doing this with… What if I tell you why I'm doing it first?” He suggested, leaning back in his chair and staring at the ceiling.

“My reasoning is that my whole family hates me, the whole school hates me, I hate me, and I don't see a future for myself. It would be easier on literally everyone if I was gone. Everyone at school already wishes I was gone. They probably take bets on when I'm going to finally off myself. Now you go.” Evan swallowed hard, resisting the urge to try and tell Connor what he said wasn't true and try to console him.

“I guess my reason is… Kind of the same? The whole, I don't see a future for myself part, anyway… And, I'm just a burden really? My mom works all the time, my dad left… It would be easier if I just disappeared.” He brought his knees up to his chest on the chair, hugging them close. “I know there's people out there suffering more than me, and I'm just being dramatic, but…”

“You know I'm not going to judge.” Connor cut in, tapping his pencil on the table again. “And you aren't being dramatic. I don't think so, anyway. You're being human, nothing wrong with that.” He crinkled his nose up suddenly, looking disgusted. “God, listen to me! I sound like a damn therapist. Just… Thanks for telling me, I guess. Now I know you a little better at least.” He opened his folded up list once more, looking over it.

**BUCKET LIST**

~~**talk to Evan Hansen** ~~


	6. UPDATE(delete later)

Hey its been a while since I touched this fic but I intend to change that  
I'm working on the next chapter right now, and it turns out all the inspiration I needed to do so was seeing 3-4 fics with the same premise as this one, with the whole one month to die and bucket lists idea. I shouldn't be salty because obviously I don't own the idea but lmao at least it'll get me to do my own fix faster   
Its like some weird thing where I feel like I need to prove my version is better-   
Anyway expect another chapter in the near future, I can't give a specific date because I don't know, but it'll be here soon


	7. Chapter 7

Evan was on edge since Connor first stepped foot into his home. He was on the verge of breaking down during his visit, and now that the other boy had left, Evan finally let the dam break. He sat on his couch, clutching the paper in his hands and sobbing softly. This was a stupid idea. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do it before, why would this time be different? The world is intent on keeping him alive and suffering, what's the point in trying again just to fail?

His chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath, hiccuping softly through his tears. He uncrumpled the paper in his hands, staring at it miserably. It was kind of fitting that the paper now had tear stains on it. As much as he wanted things to stop, he wasn't sure he wanted to die. Failing an attempt is an emotional experience. It makes you think and consider a lot of different things. Is it worth the attempt, if there's a chance of failure? With failure just comes more pain. He wishes he could just stop. Stop. I just want it to stop. 

He wanted to save Connor. He didn't want to help Connor kill himself, he didn't want to be involved. He just wanted to save the other boy. Sure, they hardly knew each other, but Connor was human too. And he was a lot less threatening when not in school. Evan sighed heavily, rubbing his face with his hands. It's too late to back out now. At least it'll be nice doing the things on his list. Hopefully...

\---

Going over to a stranger’s house was much more exhausting than Connor first thought it would be. He walked through his own front door, letting it slam behind him without a care. He vaguely heard someone shout at him for the noise, but he was too tired to listen. He felt drained, like talking to Evan had actually sapped all the energy out of him. Though he supposed if he had to choose to talk to anyone, Evan would be the one he would want to talk to. He had a lot more in common with the boy than he first thought. It was almost concerning, how much they had in common. 

Connor went into his room and went right to his bed, falling onto it face first. He thought about how the two of them could be so different, yet so similar. They both had shit lives and wanted to die, but on the outside they were like polar opposites. It was almost poetic, really. Connor rolled onto his back, resting his hands on his chest. He tapped his fingers on his chest mindlessly, staring at the ceiling. He thought about his visit to Evan’s again. He supposed he would be thinking about that a lot, this afternoon.

It was strange to see Evan as someone who was suicidal at all. For Connor, people could take one look at him and gather all they needed to know about him. But Evan seemed to be like every other student, nothing spectacular about him. He blended into the crowds, like a shadow. It almost felt like he didn't want to be seen. 

Connor thought back to elementary and middle school, where he knew he went with Evan… And couldn't find a single memory where Evan was present. Connor frowned, frustrated. How come Evan gets to be so good at disappearing? Connor would give anything to go to school and for just one day not have everyone stare at him and judge him. 

His thoughts continued for a while, until he finally managed to drift off. Though it was only 7pm, he was exhausted both emotionally and physically from the stressful day.

Connor awoke suddenly in the middle of the night to his phone vibrating in his pocket where he had forgotten to take it out before laying down. He scowled, pulling his phone out and unlocking it, squinting at the brightness in his dark room. Who the hell would be texting…? Oh. He opened the text from Evan, maybe a little too excited. 

From: unknown number  
Hello? This is Connor right? Its Evan, I hope you didn't give me a joke number or something.

Add contact: Evan

To: Evan  
yeah its me   
what are u doing texting me at like 11 at night

From: Evan  
I couldn't sleep. What are you doing responding at 11 at night?

To: Evan  
touche  
damn that was a little sassy hansen

From: Evan  
I'm sorry. I'm tired I didn't think before I sent that message.

To: Evan  
no it was funny. i liked it.   
did u cross anything off yet

From: Evan  
No? Its been like 4 hours since you left, I couldn't have done anything in that time.

To: Evan  
you never know, you could have fucked a bunch of chicks the second I left or something  
you could be a pimp for all i know  
speaking of the lists and shit

Connor paused, setting his phone down and pulling out his list. He stared at it thoughtfully, then picked his phone back up. 

To: Evan  
one of ur things was that you wanted to see a sunset or whatever right? one of mine is to go to this old orchard that my family used to visit. its closed now but no one monitors it so we could sneak in. kill two birds with one stone

From: Evan   
That sounds nice. This is good, I wouldn't have wanted to watch the sunset alone. You're a good friend, Connor.

Connor swallowed hard, reading the message a few times. Friend was such a strange thing to read, especially when it was used to describe him. Was this what having a friend was like? Helping him cross things off a bucket list before they both inevitably kill themselves? If it was, then Connor sure as hell wasn't complaining. Beggars can't be choosers, after all.

To: Evan  
thanks, i try


End file.
